Advert for 'Bike for sale'

[tuco]

I saw this ad for a bike for sale and had to share - (mods, you may want to clean it up a little)

Mod edit: from the best of Craig's List Ads, found here.
Oops, I forgot the link to the original. I had a customer come up to the counter and lost track of where I was up to. There's some funny stuff on that site. I've wasted a good hour today reading some of them. Lucky I'm the boss.

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "F*** YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy sh*t so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some sh*t and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't f*** around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey !! BAN ME NOW FOR SWEARING !!, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

[kukamunga]

So where's this Giant you got for sale, manly tuco?

[deks]

haha thats classic

[RideLikeTheWind]

ROFLMAO

oh... that was great.

[Redbull]

I'm not sure about this.

Can you really trust Ninjas

[Matty]

Brilliant.

[AUbicycles]

It reminds me of an old German guy I met who fled the country and signed up with the French Legionnaires and got feed up being a soldier in the Asia pacific, jumped off the boat and was swimming for two days before being picked up by a tanker. To be fair, by the time the tanker came it was time for another schnapps although he didn't mention sharks.

[stretch]

I pretty much cried because I laughed so hard.

[Hawkeye]

I pretty much cried .

Well, HTFU then!

because I laughed so hard

Oh, alright, I suppose that's OK after all.

[stretch]

I pretty much cried .

Well, HTFU then!

because I laughed so hard

Oh, alright, I suppose that's OK after all.

Oh, I think I have HTFU up based on my cycling endeavours.